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Real Talk: Having the Chat with My Boyfriend About Anal Sex

Vaginismus

From a contributor: 

Before you have “the baby talk,” or “the marriage talk,” many couples will have another crucial relationship chat: the one about anal sex.

For my current relationship, the subject didn’t come up for about six months. And then, one day, while we were fooling around, he asked, ever so earnestly, if we could try anal sex.

I have done it before (mind you it was while I was very drunk many years ago and feeling particularly adventurous), so I wasn’t completely opposed to the idea. I loved (and still love) this man, and I feel safe with him. He is my person, someone I want to try new things with.

So we tried. And not just once. We tried multiple times to no avail (well, to no comfort for me, I should say). A few tips from a newbie:

  • Start slow – ease yourself into it; not just in the talking about it, but in the doing it too.
  • Express yourself – you know what you like, so speak up.
  • Lube it up – no, but really. This is a MUST.
  • Expect the unexpected – aka poop, maybe.

We’ll probably try it again sometime, I haven’t closed the door on the possiblity and he “jokingly” brings it up every now and then. And that’s okay. We talk about it, we joke about it, but when it comes to consent, it’s serious.

The point in all of this is that when I said “stop” he did. If I say I don’t want to do something sexual, he accepts it, and vice versa. (It’s not all one way, with this stuff.) We mutually respect each other’s boundaries and while we are willing to experiment and try new things sexually, it has to be a conversation in which both parties consent.

That might sound unsexy to some, but it’s actually entirely the opposite. To consent is to free yourselves to wholly enjoy the experience. And knowing that if things go too far, you can stop, is to trust your person and to me, that’s sexy AF.

So when it comes to sexual experimentation, having an open conversation around your interests and any concerns you might have, is key. An honest dialog will ensure equality and trust, and make everything that much more enjoyable.

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