Listen up fellas. Some of you are pretty clueless when it comes to dealing with us ladies during that time of the month.
While we really do try to sympathize with your monthly meetings with the dragons of our uteri, we mostly think you’re a bunch of inconsiderate little shits who need to learn a thing or two about handling our lady beasts when that time comes.
It’s really not rocket science. Heck, by now we’re certain we’ve shouted a manual at you on how not to act like a dick each month during our escalated hormonal states, but in case you need something simple for easy reference, here is your ultimate boyfriend survival guide to escape the dragon’s den unscathed:
Don’t: Assume we’re on our periods… and definitely NEVER ask us if we are.
Do this instead: Say nothing. No really, literally- nothing.
Asking us if we’re on our period is almost never at the right time. You guys really suck at this. It’s usually a way to throw some shade at our moods- the moods we have little control over. Have you heard that there’s a baby dinosaur thrashing around our insides and that for 5-7 days, we get to bleed profusely just because we have vaginas? Yes, please tell us more about how we should be so calm and angelic instead. Dick.
Don’t: Be a lazy shit.
Do this instead: Pick up the slack and help us while we’re down and out.
A little goes a long ways. Sometimes while we’re huddled in our fetal positions, it’s not because we’re just in a “lazy mood”- it’s because our insides are contracting like a vigorous monster and we pretty much can’t move because everything hurts. Don’t ask us for a fucking sandwich, or get upset with us when a household chore isn’t done. Instead, do it yourself and get us a hot water bottle. Help us feel better, not worse. This shit happens to us every single month- it’s really zero fun for us.
Don’t: Tell us we’re crazy.
Do this instead: Be fucking nice- DUH.
Unless you have a death wish, calling us crazy while we’re on our periods is essentially the same thing. You’ve been warned.
Don’t: Poke Mama Bear.
Do this instead: Retreat to safe distances when rage mode is ON.
Sometimes it’s going to be difficult for us to keep our shit together emotionally- we can’t help it. Some women are blessed with milder hormones, and some of us turn into the spawn of Satan. If we’re terribly out of control in a crying, screaming fit of a mess, hang in there. It’s probably best to either stand your distance or do something extra sweet for us. At the very least, now is not the time to poke the bear. We’re being poked enough by our own bodies.
Don’t: Ignore our complaints.
Do this instead: Listen, pay attention and try to comply.
When we’re complaining about something, it’s not usually for nothing. If we mention we’re completely starved or craving something, perhaps try and satisfy our wishes. If we’re complaining about back pain, rub it for us. It’s the little things totally help. Do you want boyfriend perks of your own? Well, start stepping up to the plate during our lady time and we can promise you more of those boyfriend benefits in the near future, once we escape our personal monthly hell.
Don’t: Try to battle the monster.
Do this instead: Accept your defeat and try to befriend the enemy in our vaginas.
Trying to battle what’s happening to our bodies and our hormones isn’t going to get you anywhere- you’re only fighting a losing battle. All we really want and need from you is patience and understanding that things are a little chaotic at the moment and we’re doing the best that we can, but periods aren’t perfect- and they also aren’t forever.
Don’t: Question our food choices.
Do this instead: Make US a fucking sandwich.
You have no idea how bad these cravings are. We literally can’t help ourselves. It’s the only thing that feels amazing right now. Let us have our cake and eat it too. Also, please order a pizza ASAP… with ice cream… and perhaps a bottle of wine.
Don’t: Nag at us if we’re too tired to do something or have sex.
Do this instead: Literally shut the fuck up.