There are few things worse than invoking the wrath of a woman who is on her period. The severe cramps, depleted energy, and spikes in hormones make it so that crossing a woman on her period may be considered nothing short of poking a sleeping bear.
And getting your head detached from your body may very likely be a consequence of such a mindless act. So, in an effort to saves lives and, since it seems that more men struggle in this area, I want to save many parts of balls from being detached from the unsuspecting loins of a careless man.
There are so many key phrases that no woman on her period should ever hear, here are a few choice ones:
“Are You On Your Period?”
Now, this is a tricky one. This question might be a safe one if the motivation for asking the question comes from a place of wanting to help. Like, “Are you on your period? I noticed that you are out of pads and I’m on my way to the store and can pick up some for you.” This is awesome! Not only do you get cool points for paying attention, but you become a hero by offering to do something that most men would rather jam their hand into a running lawn mower than do.
If, however, this question comes as a response to perceived irrational behavior? No. Don’t EVER make a connection between a woman’s mood and her period. It’s something about the combination of asking this question and the hormone cocktail coursing through a woman’s body that is a recipe for a disaster. Even if a woman is on her period, like, you can VISIBLY SEE blood falling out of her vagina and she is doing rounds like the Tazmanian Devil, and she goes, “What’s wrong with me?” You had better pull out your magnifying glass and Handy Dandy notebook and start searching for an answer with her like Blue’s Clues.
You know how to make a woman on her period do the opposite of calm down? By telling her to calm down. Again, no real, logic-based reason for this. It’s just one of those things that triggers an emotional response that an innocent bystander may use, unknowingly throwing an emotional hand grenade that you will often roll back to the thrower in true Wiley Coyote fashion. Again, even if you see a woman completely losing it at a Category 5 Hurricane level, to avoid being swept in the path of destruction, NEVER tell a menstruating woman to calm down.
“I’ll Talk To You When Your Period Is Over Next Week”
This is one of the biggest, most dangerous proverbial “eff yous” there is. What this implies is that being on a period renders a woman totally not in control of her emotions, which very well may be true. This one is even more dangerous than asking a woman if she is on her period because that could be a temporary, hormonal moment. It could be forgivable if profuse apologies, candy, flowers, and nectar of the gods are gifted. But, saying, more or less, that you view said woman like a mental patient or infant for an entire week is completely unsympathetic and cruel. This is a time for making sure that the woman is comfortable and comforted, not handled like a wrestling mate for the Crocodile Hunter (may he rest in peace). Because a woman on her period can be more deadly than any lizard, crocodile, or poisonous snake. The animals are often motivated to attack because of hunger. A woman on her period could claw your eyes out just to hear the “thwap!” sound that they make when they hit the floor.
Don’t be a victim of your own stupidity. If you think that something you say may trigger rage within a woman or even if you’re unsure, avoid it. In fact, some key phrases that would be best to adopt during this difficult time in a woman’s life are “yes, dear”, “of course you don’t look fat in that dress”, and “Exactly how much more wine should I pour for you?”